Gillian Marchenko

March Home Staging, Jooniper Design, Author & Speaker
“You’re doing it wrong” – Special needs adoption and mom guilt

“You’re doing it wrong” – Special needs adoption and mom guilt

 

(I was looking through Evangeline’s special needs adoption blog today and stumbled upon the post “You’re doing it wrong.” Evie’s been home for almost three years.)

But there are still days that I feel like I’m doing this whole special needs adoption thing wrong. I struggle with mom guilt. 

This post is from Evangeline’s special needs adoption blog archives: September, 2009 just after we brought Evangeline home from Ukraine.

***

Evangeline’s three sisters; Elaina, Zoya and Polly started school yesterday (thank God, finally!).

My husband and I split up in the morning to get the kids where they needed to go; three different classrooms, two different schools. Evie went along with Sergei as he walked Elaina and Zoya and Polly and I hopped in our silver boring minivan that as it happens, I actually rather love, and drove a few miles to her school.

Last year I rarely took Polly to school. Sergei did the drop off before heading to work and I was on pick-up. So yesterday I took Polly where I would usually pick her up, the back door of the cafeteria. We stood at the locked door and knocked for a few moments. Then I peeked through the window and got someone’s attention from the cafeteria. As the woman opened the door she told me that we need to drop off through the front door of the school. OK, makes sense.

I made a mental check in my head.

Polly was stoked to be back in her classroom with her teacher, ‘Miss Ba Ba.’ After a little while I found myself generally uninvited in her school area and took advantage of my good fortune to exit. Walking out the front door there was a different lady passing out forms to students.

“Can I get a form?” I asked.

“These are for kids.”

“I know, I just dropped my daughter off in preschool.”

“Oh, I didn’t see you come in…” she said, now sizing me up and down.

“We came through the back door,” I said shyly, kicking a rock with my foot.

“You did it wrong.”

I KNOW! 

I KNOW!! I DID IT WRONG…

“OK, I’ll drop her off in front tomorrow. May I have the forms?”

The important paper lady passed me a couple sheets of paper. I turned and walked down the sidewalk towards my car.

You’re doing it wrong.

Remember that movie, ‘Mr. Mom’? It was school drop off and Michael Keaton drove into the exit to drop off his kid in the rain and like five people stopped him to let him know he was doing it wrong.

Well, that’s how I felt yesterday.

And more importantly, that’s how I’ve felt ever since Evangeline’s adoption. The mom guilt is heavy.

You’re doing it wrong.

I have this sinking feeling in my stomach that I am not doing all I can for Evie or that what I am doing is wrong. Maybe I am not strong enough to handle a special needs adoption?

The good news is I know with time my maternal instincts for her are bound to take over, that I’ll be able to tell if she’s hungry or sad or tired or if I should hold her tight when she tries to move away or let her go.

Until then, I’ll continue to do different things and as I pull into exits with Evie, I am prepared to back out and try again.

***

Some thoughts today:

Do you struggle with mom guilt?

Don’t we as moms feel like most of the time we are doing it wrong?

This may not be a popular statement but here goes: There probably are things you are doing wrong.

There are things I’m doing wrong when it comes to my kids. My mom guilt shows up in various areas: with my children with Down syndrome, with the adoption, with my older girls, my cooking (or lack thereof :)), laundry, one on one time, you name it, I’ve probably experienced mom guilt over it.

I propose we attempt to take a step back and gauge what exactly we think we are doing wrong and then work to work on it.

Let’s be honest.

There probably are things we all could improve on when it comes to our kids.

There are things we are doing really well, and we need to acknowledge and celebrate them. And the things we are not doing wrong, but plague us with guilt anyway, well, let’s attempt to preserve our energy and brain space for other things.

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6 comments found

  1. Here! Sounds like me all the way. My mom guilt is heavy. Mostly because I want them to be successful and included! Take swimming for instance. Tonight our adopted one was withdrawing from the group. She didn’t want anything to do with the young helper that was there which threw her off because she didn’t want her touching her and the coach left her to work with our two girls while he worked with the rest of the class! Every time she slid back and scooted away from the pool I told her she would get a time out. It didn’t work because THAT was what she wanted! I quickly learned she would rather sit with me than listen because she was afraid to go out in the deep water. I even thought to take her to the bathroom and returned her with a spanking. THAT didn’t work either! While I was gone the other one was so distracted she could only think of what we were doing and stopped paying attention.They were both much better the night before when the coach was the only one involved and had them both working with the whole group together instead of excluding them and giving them to the unqualified helper. It makes me really frustrated when people do things like that. WHY would I pay to have an instructor if I didn’t expect him to work with our two girls? We could have saved our money BUT they are worth it!! Am I always going to be the only one who believes that? Please pray for me and swimming lessons to go better tomorrow. I need to talk to the coach but he was tied up with swim team until 9 and I just needed to ask for prayer first. You are the one God led me to. Thanks for being there! <3 XO

  2. “I propose we attempt to take a step back and gauge what exactly we think we are doing wrong and then work to work on it.”
    I like this. Often what traps me in guilt is less those things I don’t do well because they are out of my control and more the areas where I know I can do better, but due to laziness, ignorance, or something else aren’t.
    I appreciate the call to celebrate what we are doing well, do something about that which we can do something else with and let go of the rest. It sou”The Serenity Prayer.”
    Thanks for the reminder.

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