Gillian Marchenko

March Home Staging, Jooniper Design, Author & Speaker

Should you throw a birthday party for your child with special needs?

Should you throw a birthday party for your child with special needs?

When the time is right… YES!

We did it. We finally had a ‘friend’ birthday party for our daughter Evangeline when she turned eight years old a couple of weeks ago.

I know some of you are probably thinking, ‘why is this even a question?’

I get it. I really do. Of course all kids deserve parties. But for some of us, it just isn’t that simple.

The thought of a party frightened me. I wanted the party to be fun for her but I worried it would all be too much. Evangeline has a dual diagnosis of Down syndrome and autism, she can get overwhelmed easily, and so far at best hasn’t shown much interest in her birthdays; presents, singing, the whole thing. At worst, she gets spooked by it all. She hates lit candles, and for some reason doesn’t care for the birthday song.

Except for cake. This little chick loves cake.

But I wanted a friend party for her because nonverbal doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand. I wanted to show her we were gathering to celebrate HER. I wanted her to feel our love, to know how thankful we were to have her as our daughter, sister, and friend.

I wanted the friend party for my other kids, too. I would hate for them to wonder why they get some things and my kids with special needs don’t. They know it is Evie’s birthday. They love her. They want to celebrate her. To them, she isn’t Evangeline with Down syndrome and autism. She’s simply Evangeline, their sister.

I wanted the friend party for the people in the world who still, for some mind-boggling reason in 2014, don’t think individuals with disabilities deserve things like inclusion in schools and communities, birthday parties, and yes, sadly sometimes, even life itself.

And I wanted the friend party for me. Because I worry that sometimes our family life gets too small, because things like friend birthday parties can be difficult and disappointing and so we choose not to do them. We don’t want to fail. We don’t want bad memories for our children. We don’t want bad memories for us.

But I fought those feelings, and planned a party. And we attempted to do it in a way that would be enjoyable for all the kids who would attend, both special needs and typically developing.

The Party

We had it at our church. The room is set up for kids with special needs. The building has an elevator and ramps and a quiet room for people who need a break. Plus, Evangeline knows the space and is comfortable in it. She is used to a lot of noise there and a little chaos because she attends Sunday school every week. I wanted to make sure there was enough room for everyone and that our little one was at ease. This space was perfect. If you don’t have a space like this available in your community, get creative. Maybe a room at the library would work, or perhaps your home is big enough. Just think about how many kids could comfortably fit and then invite like three less.

Evie's 8th birthday

Evangeline’s teacher, Ms. Stephanie, attended! She was a great help and is an amazing advocate for Evie. I’m so glad we invited a few adults who love Evie and who could pitch in.

Evie's 8th birthday6

We had snacks and mini cupcakes, but overall didn’t make a big deal over food. On the invitation I made it clear that a full meal wouldn’t be provided. Eating can be stressful for some kids, and others may get nourishment through tube feeding, or have certain allergies. So we played down eating and just put out things like yogurt and grapes for people to snack on.

Evie's 8th birthday4

We threw out the birthday song and candles. Evie doesn’t like it, so we didn’t do it. But I did plan a few activities: coloring sheets on the tables, a ‘pin the hat on Barney‘ game without blindfolds that every child could participate in, even if that meant they needed help, and a dance time complete with “Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes” and “The Hokey Pokey.” Again, kids could participate or not, and the ones who preferred being in another room during that time were paired up with a buddy willing to initiate quiet activities or just to hang out. (My husband wants everyone to know that although he could only find neon pink poster board, he still drew a kick-butt Barney free hand.)

Evie's 8th birthday3

About seven or eight kids attended with their parents, plus our family, and some other friends. We all had a great time! Afterwards, we helped Evangeline open up her gifts one at a time throughout the next few days. That worked out way better than overwhelming her at the party, and attempting to get all the kids to sit and watch. At the end of the party, each child received a goody bag with stuff Evangeline likes; chocolate, a harmonica (kid loves music!), and bubbles. When I throw kids’ parties, I do it Dollar Store style!

Evie's 8th birthday2

It was a great day! So great, that we were too busy having fun to get any pictures with the birthday girl as a family.

But the memories are in our hearts.

And they are good ones.

Evie

Should you have a birthday party for your child with special needs? A resounding yes. You can do it! When the year is right for your little one (and don’t feel bad if this year isn’t right. I don’t think the party would have been as successful last year. No mom guilt, now. We know our kids the best), just throw out all the ‘shoulds’ you can think of regarding a kid’s birthday party and build it around your child. I’m cheering for you! So is Evangeline!

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9 comments found

  1. I am excited to try this some day! Evaline is 4 right now & cannot even handle me being at school with her for her holiday parties. It’s inspiring to know there is great advice out there like this for when her time is right. Thank you.

  2. How wonderful! It looks like it was a great party!! Thanks for sharing, this is definitely a difficult decision, we have never had a friend party for our son…but have friends who have. Thanks for sharing!!

  3. Hi- I am so sorry Logan wasn’t able to make it. Eves’ party looked like so much fun for the kids.
    I am sure she Will always Remeber this!
    Great job guys!
    Special needs party planner in the horizon ?

  4. I throw a party every year for my son. He has down syndrome and was just recently diagnosed with autism as well. He is nine now. He would always play with the games and decorations and enjoy everything before the party as I would set it up over a period of a couple days, and then he would participate for a little while at the actual party and then do his own thing while the other kids played games. He doesn’t eat cake but will sometimes eat ice cream, so I always serve gold fish and fruit that he likes along with the cake and icecream. He is also not a fan of the birthday song so we skipped it as well. I really like your idea of doing the gifts gradually, that is always overwhelming. Gonna have to remember that! Looks like your party was a success, I’m so glad you did one for Evie!

  5. This is such a good example of making sure the party is for the child and not the parents. Hooray to you for putting Evangeline first and for adding this to DifferentDream.com’s Tuesday link up.

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