Gillian Marchenko

How are you this morning? Did you wake up rested or struggling or happy or restless? Maybe you slept great and are ready to go. Maybe you are rubbing your eyes and wondering how in the world to adult today. 

Mornings were always particularly difficult during depressive episodes. I’d wake up and then check in with myself to see how I felt. I paid close attention to my thoughts. And if they were negative or if I was achy or if there was even an inkling of darkness, I assumed that it would be a bad day. I got pretty good at giving in quickly. I didn’t have the health and skills to examine what I thought or felt to 1) see if they possessed any truth, and/or 2) decide if I wanted to cater to them or push back. 

Can you relate? 

We all have ruts. We tell ourselves the same narratives over and over again. I’m not well. I won’t get any better. Nobody cares anyway. Thoughts naturally come in and out of our minds all day long. But that doesn’t mean they are true. It doesn’t mean they are trustworthy. It doesn’t mean they are good.

One of my biggest ruts is believing everything that pops into my head. And a major sign of health has been the realization that I don’t have to be a slave to them because I’m not the most reliable narrator.

So now I work at thinking about what I think. It’s a group effort of mind, body, and soul. Pay attention to how I spend my time. Notice what occupies my mind. Commune with God, breathe fresh air, hug my family, eat whole food.

I work at better rhythms, too: scripture reading, walks, prayer, more community, less isolation. And I’m committed, when able, to show up to life, put my hand to the plow, and swallow my tiny blue and white antidepressants every morning after brushing my teeth. 

Some mornings I wake up and the depression is still there, lurking, ready to take me down.  But now I push back. I pray and ask God for help. I check in with trusted friends and family to see if my thoughts are off-base. I read scripture and ask God to renew my mind. 

Noticing that I can do something about my thoughts and emotions is a sign of health for me. I’m cultivating agency and deciding if they hold validity, and if not, I can adjust. These adjustments aren’t easy. It takes a lot of practice and energy to work out these ruts. But it is worth it. 

This week on social media I’ll be talking about identifying ruts, noticing provision, and doing favors for other people, all as ways to cultivate health. Chances are you are growing and changing. Notice. It’s a good sign of health. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. – Philippians 4:8

*** Next week’s topic: Hope includes lament.