About five years ago just after Still Life (my memoir) released, I began to experience some healing after a decade of debilitating depression. Although I struggled (and still do), my depression episodes became more sporadic and less desperate and dark. I found some fight and started to move towards health.
But I’m still hesitant in my healing. Here’s why …
Maybe I should think less about new things and focus more on now? Instead of grabbing God’s hand and dragging him to the door of my perceived earthly future, maybe I need to be present here in the middle place. I should see today for what it is; bad or good or difficult or easy or boring. Because however today shakes out, it is a mercy from God.
For a long time, I thought my issues with Bible reading revolved around my lack of discipline. But I’ve come to realize that my dry spells and times of frustration and struggle have to do with something deeper. It’s about the state of my heart. To borrow Ezekiel’s phrase, I come to scripture with a heart of stone.
. How do I explain the inner turmoil that blows around my insides like a bitter, winter breeze swept up in a frenzy? Sometimes hope is a promise I can grab on to. Other times, it melts in my hands.