Gillian Marchenko

Depression: No longer under lock and key

I have a book coming out in the spring about my battle with depression. People who know I am a writer often ask me what I am working on. “A memoir about depression,” I say, and they look at me out of the corners of their eyes. Why would anyone want to write, or for that matter, read a book about that, I decide they are thinking.

But I know why.

I’m writing about the parts of my life under lock and key because that’s my way of setting myself free in the struggle. I have depression. So how can I glorify God with it?

I think it is by opening up my safe and letting others see in.

Safes

Most of us have safes tucked deep within our hearts. It’s where the real parts of life hide out, the stuff we don’t necessarily want others to see: hurts, insecurities, jealousy, fear. I also think that a lot of our struggles stem from this hidden safe within us, and we end up spending whatever amount of energy we have for life hiding the safe, and trying to show others and ourselves that we are okay. We can do this. We don’t have problems, or at least we don’t have problems we wish for other people to see.

I’ve also come to believe that one of the biggest problems with the church today is that too many of us show up on Sundays with our safes under lock and key. We hoard the hard parts of our lives because Christians are supposed to be joyful and faithful. This is the most dangerous type of hoarding. If we can’t be honest with each other about what is in our safes, we will stunt our communion with one another and with God. Annie Dillard talks about this in regards to writing, but I think it is true for life, too:

“One of the things I know about writing is this: spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time. Do not hoard what seems good for a later place in the book or for another book; give it, give it all, give it now. The impulse to save something good for a better place later is the signal to spend it now. Something more will arise for later, something better. These things fill from behind, from beneath, like well water. Similarly, the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.”

Anything we do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to us. I firmly believe this includes the dark parts of ourselves we’d rather not share. One day, we may open our safe and find ashes.

Why must we hide? Why must I hide? I am a Christian, a mother, a writer, a friend, a pastor’s wife, and a lot of times I hoard my secrets in a safe. Some days, depression swallows me whole. I don’t know how to parent my kids well. Prayer is hard. I think way more about my thighs than about helping other people. I’m writing this to know that I’m not alone, and to tell you that you’re not alone either.

The concepts of darkness and light are eternally connected. How can we know one without the other? And how can the light in us shine if we are preoccupied with keeping hidden in the dark? Did you know that Jesus is with you in your darkness? If you are his child, you are never alone, not even if you lock yourself up in a safe. Did you know that your darkness can lose some of its power? It can. It loses power when it is put in the light.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. -John 1:5

What is under lock and key in your life? I hope today we all can be brave enough to tell someone about it, to bow and talk to God about it, and to allow our lives to open up a bit more, for His glory, yes, but also for our sake, and for the sake of our universal church where far too many people show up under lock and key.

My book, Still Life, a Memoir of Living Fully with Depression is slated to publish in the Spring with InterVarsity Press. I appreciate your prayers as I prepare to open up my depression safe for all to see.