Gillian Marchenko

March Home Staging, Jooniper Design, Author & Speaker
Church: This is how to greet my child who is nonverbal

Church: This is how to greet my child who is nonverbal

Today I had the pleasure of being a guest on one of the most popular Christian shows on the radio: Midday Connection.

The host Lori Neff and I talked about my story (and my book Sun Shine Down), and about the specific challenges and joys in the lives of families affected by special needs.

We discussed what churches can do to support children with special needs and their parents and siblings, which got me thinking about our youngest daughter, Evangeline.

Evangeline has Down syndrome and autism and is nonverbal. Some of her go to behaviors (rocking, mouthing things, pulling hair, and ignoring people) can be alarming for those who have never met her.

And a lot of times people don’t know how to talk to Evangeline or how to interact with her, so they don’t.

I understand. You don’t want to say or do the wrong thing.

I find this especially in church settings.

So church, this is how to greet my child who is nonverbal:

1. When we walk into the building, please don’t give our family ‘the deer in the headlights’ look because you are unsure what to do. Even if you are unsure, hide it. Instead, welcome us warmly.

2. Welcome ALL of us. Attempt to make eye contact with me, my husband, and my children, even the daughter who will not make eye contact with you. This says, ‘I see you. I’m glad you are here.’

3. Don’t speak louder than normal to Evangeline. She’s not hard of hearing.

4. Don’t assume she doesn’t understand you or what is going on because she does not speak. My daughter picks up way more socially than you would imagine. Also, ask if she is utilizing another form of communication such as sign language or pictures.

5. Ask us if we have been to the church before, and what we think our children would like to do during the service (stay with parents, go to Sunday school, etc.)

6. Follow our lead. If we talk about Evangeline’s special needs, then feel free to ask questions to learn more about the dynamics of our family.

7. Don’t speak slower to Evangeline than the rest of us. Again, she understands.

8. Don’t be offended if our daughter ignores you. She struggles socially and her eye contact is sporadic at best.

9. Also, don’t say hello to her and then ignore her the rest of the time.

10. And don’t solely pay attention to Evangeline and ignore our other children. They all need a little attention. We don’t want Evangeline to be ‘special.’ Just treat her like you would treat any other new child to the church.

11. If we want to try a Sunday school class, take us to meet the teacher, and if there isn’t a program or buddy in place to help her that day, lay out our options for the morning with grace, whatever they may be (she stays with us, someone will come in a shadow her, we may have to stay with her for this week). But make sure we know that if we decide to come back, we can all brainstorm to have a plan.

12. Make it clear that you really are glad we came to church and that you hope the church can (if they don’t already) make certain modifications and alterations that help us all to feel comfortable and ultimately grow closer to Jesus.

Churches don’t have to have a full-blown special needs ministry.

But in this day and age, odds are many families with special needs will walk through your doors. Train your hospitality team how to greet them, and have a basic protocol of what to do to help them feel welcome and comfortable.

Believe me, we’ll be thankful for it.

Resources that can help your church with special needs:

Joni and Friends

Key Ministry

The Inclusive Church

If you’d like to listen to me on Midday Connection, here it is!

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15 comments found

  1. These steps are very helpful. Thanks for posting them. Some of my church friends do them automatically. I have been blessed with a good church.

  2. I used to fall into the terrible, yet all too common, thought of “if your child has special needs, get involved, teach, or start something yourself and bring your special needs child with you”. I have heard it from some parents with special needs, albeit minor ones. But I think it is the implied thinking in many churches. I tried, but it didn’t work. I ended up leaving my son home for several years while I did a Montessori religion program. The charitable outreach should exist, but I suppose we have to shop around for it. This is a good list to refer to, but I think the pastor and lead people need to be instrumental in modeling and talking about the forgotten in the parish: crying babies, elderly, homebound, suffering and handicapped. Hopefully we can be good examples as well.

    1. Christine, great point. I totally agree with you. The leaders in a church, ideally, should be involved in talking about the forgotten in a congregation. When I teach about special needs in church, or if someone asks my opinion, I tell them to pray that the leadership will catch the vision. It, indeed, has to come from the pulpit. Thanks!

  3. Your a great mom and very loving I loved reading your message I’m trying to learn more about people with disabilitys it was very helpful thank you

  4. “Churches don’t have to have a full-blown special needs ministry.” Actually ours does, however, it is on Wednesday evenings.

  5. Thank you so much for this! My daughter has mild cerebral palsy (from periventricular leukomalacia) and several developmental delays. She is now verbal, but is very reluctant to engage with unfamiliar people. She’s been in the church since she was cleared to attend at 8 months of age, but she is the only special needs child in the church and I have appreciated the accommodations that have been made to make her feel comfortable and supported.

  6. Thank you for this wonderful post, Gillian. So many people don’t know how to respond and don’t say anything at all. May your words make a difference for many kids. Thanks for adding this post to DifferentDream.com’s Tuesday special needs link up.

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