Are you an adoptive mom who is struggling?
If so, I have a message for you this morning.
It’s okay to struggle.
It’s okay that you struggled.
It’s okay that you are struggling.
It’s okay.
That’s it. That’s my message.
I’ve struggled. I still struggle.
Here are a few past posts to prove it:
A Few Thoughts, a post about my true feelings upon meeting my daughter
You’re doing it wrong, a post about second guessing myself as a mother
I’m scared of July 25th, a post about how I should have been doing so much better than I actually was
The Grinch’s heart grew two times that day, about cracks in my exterior towards my daughter
Hard Earned Love, more about how God has been molding us into a family
Post-adoption depression, finally figuring out, two years into our adoption story, that I was depressed
Our daughter Evangeline has been home with us for over two years. And for most of that time I’ve had so much guilt over struggling to bond with her. I couldn’t possibly let others know how I truly felt, because I was the one who wanted to adopt in the first place.
It can be a very lonely place when attachment isn’t going well, can’t it? We chose to adopt, God led us to it, so then, why are we struggling?
I was completed blind-sighted as to how difficult it was to bond with Evangeline. Before she came into our home, I tried to prepare myself for the difficulties she would face acclimating to our family. I did not, however, think about my own acclimation to becoming her mother. I was embarrassed. I thought I was the worst adoptive mom on the planet.
It helped me to talk to about it. A lot of moms seem to being doing OK in their roles as adoptive parents, but there are others who aren’t alright. I reached out to another mom struggling. We started to pray for each other and talk to one another on the phone. Since I’ve written about my struggles, I’ve heard from others, thanking me for being honest.
I know not everyone can blog about how they are feeling. I’m sure many people think I’m slightly off or a bit narcissistic for putting myself out there, but it’s so important to have SOMEONE to talk to. It helps me so much to know I am not alone in my struggles. I’d even recommend counseling if that’s an option. And of course, if you are a person of faith: pray. Ask God to help you. Ask him to mold your heart to your child’s life.
Mostly, don’t keep all your feelings inside. It will only make things worse. Hang in there. You are the right mom for your child. Each child is different, and even if it takes longer for you to truly connect with him/her, even if the love you have doesn’t feel quite like the love you have for your other children, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your kid.
Give yourself grace.
It’s okay.
(I’d like to start up an open dialogue about post-adoption struggles. A few blog posts ideas include: how I messed up bonding with Evangeline, when the adoption really isn’t going to work out, tips and resources on what could help with bonding. Please leave me a comment or a question or email me at gillian@rcn.com. Let’s talk about this. And I will also be writing about some of the things we’ve done that have helped with bonding. Stay tuned.)
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